December 27, 2011

The Wall

You smile at many. You share with a few.
You talk with many. You connect with a few.
Your eyes come across many. But few make their way into your heart.

You’re not comfortable letting too many people into your life. You don’t want many. You want only a few. And you want those few because they mean a lot to you. And you hope they know that (and feel the same way too).


And that takes time, and effort. The going from a state of casual interactions to sharing what’s really on your mind. You want to be able to trust - to expose yourself; be vulnerable. Give them access to the ‘you’ that most people do not (get to) see. You know that involves handing them the power to influence you. To mess with your mind. And heart. Which, you realize, can eventually hurt you. And yet, you do… while always hoping that it will never come to that.

You’ve hit it off. You believe that they ‘get’ you. You’re now comfortable. And then sooner or later, comfort morphs itself into complacency.

Is it time? Is it distance? Is it the diminishing interactions? Is it them? … Is it you?

You wonder what happened - what possibly went wrong. And you ask questions. Sometimes to them. But mostly to yourself.

Why?” - That’s the most difficult one.
You’re trying to figure that out. You want to figure that out. Then you can work on it. And things will be the way they were (mostly). That’s the plan. 
It should never be for a lack of your trying.

And then you realize that not all questions have answers. They just hang there - uncomfortably. Sometimes there is a clear end. Sometimes the feelings just diffuse over time - to indifference, perhaps. But never to a state of nothingness.

That’s how things were meant to be. Or so you tell yourself.
You move on. Or try to.

---

People look at you, and they judge you. They only see the wall. A wall that grew taller a little bit each time - without your even realizing it.

As time goes by, many others will come.
Sometimes they will try to look beyond it. Sometimes you will go over it yourself.

There is always hope. That is the hope.

*****


Quotes to ponder:

"Some leaves hang on longer but eventually they all fall."
~ From 'Nothing Profound', who can be found here

"I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."
~ Eleanor Roosevelt.

8 comments:

Life in a few pages said...

Life in a few pages said...
Yep, and pondering on the whys is probably harder than dealing with the issue, because you seriously wanna know what part of you brought about such a radical change in the relationship. The part of you that made you vulnerable so willingly cries the most. And you fall prey to the stereotypes, think wrong of them and hopelessly shed tears, even though you never meant to think thus about them. But these thoughts intermingle with the silence on their part, and help, little by little, in raising the wall.

As you put it, people just see the wall. They don't see the causes that break our trust.

Wonderfully written! :)

Prasoon Gupta said...

Loved this. So so close.

Vijitha said...

@ Mousumy - I see that you feel strongly about it too.
Thanks for stopping by. :-)

@ Prasoon - Glad. :-)

Life in a few pages said...

Of course I do :)

Keirthana said...

I can relate to this so much :) I have gone through these thoughts and emotions in real life :)

Vijitha said...

Keirthana - Yep. Most of us have at some point of time or the other. :-)

Exciting Songs (ES) said...

When my very close friend did something that any close friend would never do, I asked him why he wanted to break the friendship? He told me that some people move on in life and some don't (me!). I was never more hurt.

Vijitha said...

@ ES - That is a rude thing to say, indeed. But then, I've also realized that that's the way some people are - moving on is as easy as cutting a cord.

Perhaps there is a reason why things don't work out with some people. Don't let it get to you.