Beautiful

“Do I look pretty mommy?”
“Why dear, you are the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. And now… it’s time for your beauty sleep. Here’s Mr. Teddy!”. She kept aside the story book and tucked her in, nice and warm. She gave her the customary 'good night kiss'. 
“Good night sweety. I love you.”

“Love you too mommy.”

As the doors closed in quietly and it became dark, she looked outside the window into the starry night. She knew she had her angel with her… always. She knew that she did not look beautiful. And yet… she believed it. Because she knew her mother meant it every time she said it.

She closed her eyes shut and tried to think less of the day ahead of her tomorrow. One of those at the hospital for a chemotherapy session, to cure her of her leukaemia.

The Call

"Aap jis number par baat karna chaahte hai, woh call nahi utha rahe hai. Kripaya thodi der baad koshish kare."

"The number that you are trying to reach is currently not answering your call. Please try later."

Why don't they tell you why the number is not answering as well?, she rued. She had listened to this pre-recorded message for the sixth time today. She couldn't fathom what was keeping him so busy that he could not even attend a call, for how-so-ever brief a period. Or was it that he did not want to talk to her? She shuddered at that thought. She'd much prefer the first one.

Granted that a petty squabble had left both of them slightly hurt... and uncomfortable. But she knew that both of them usually bounced off it in no time.

She took her cellphone yet another time, certain that she'd listen to the unapologetic female monotone at the other end... but yet, praying and hoping that this time it'd be different.

*** *** ***

The phone rang again. The cellphone vibrated on a blood-stained male body against the steering wheel. On the seat beside him was a bunch of white lilies that had begun to fade; and a box with an engagement ring. The sound of the stream was the only other sound that broke the eerie silence...

Questions

He did not feel sleepy at all.

Despite the fact that it had been three days since he had slept. Despite the powerful sedatives he was given to calm himself down and get some rest, it was like he’d never been more alert in his life. He looked at his watch. 3:55 a.m. The hospital corridor seemed deserted at this hour of the day. Barring another woman sitting opposite him, no one was around. The old, once-white rickety bench creaked under his weight. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting in the same spot, in the same manner. He vaguely remembered his family asking him to rest, to sleep; the nurse giving him those shots… But he was too scared to close his eyes, lest something bad should befall if he did. There were several questions that needed answers. And the only person who could possibly answer them lie on a white bed, shrouded in a white gown… in the ICU.

He tried to recollect that morning. Was there anything unusual that day? Or did he miss something? She was up early, as usual, and had his lunch prepared, packed and on the table by the time he got ready and sat down for breakfast. Then, he got busy with the newspaper. He did look up at her just the once, when she enquired if he wanted one more idli. Maybe she did seem a tad gloomy. Come to think of it, she had been less talkative for a while now. Funny that he hadn’t really noticed it… until now. And then that thought disturbed him – had he really stopped caring about her?? She was a regular presence in the house – like the furniture, or the upholstery. His sales job and the targets demanded so much of his time that he did not bother much about running their household…or about her. But she…she had been like a rock all this while – capable…dependable.

His mind wandered… and began to recollect the initial period of their married life. He knew he was a lucky man, for she had stepped into his life. But… how lucky was he for her? His heart writhed in the pain of his remorse. He could never forgive himself for being the reason why she decided to end her life… If only he had realized her true worth, maybe… He silently prayed to all those Gods he had detested. Taunted them even, to prove their existence. He knew he’d never wish for anything bigger in his life.

And before he knew, dawn broke. And slowly the hospital prepared itself for the maddening frenzy. People who suffered, and those who suffered because of them, buzzed around the place. He would hear the occasional wails and cries that terrified his already jaded nerves. Dr. Varma was approaching him. He scrutinized his face for some sign. Was it bad news or good? He couldn’t quite discern. “She has finally opened her eyes. You may see her now.” He just closed his eyes tight and clenched the doctor’s hands…unable to get a grip over his feelings. “And yes, she is weak and I cannot say anything conclusive just yet. It’s not advisable to get her excited or to overwhelm her. I would recommend that you see her and leave soon.”

As he stepped into the room he noticed the pale figure amidst all the medical paraphernalia. She turned her head towards the door, and their eyes met. She looked back at him… helplessly. All his questions disappeared. He folded his hands in forgiveness. He took her hands in his, and stayed with her for a while. She knew that things would change… for the better. And they both sobbed quietly, washing away all their worries.

The Walk

She got down from the bus and started walking. Everything was going as per plan. Buses were mostly very punctual these days, she mused. She checked her watch. There was enough time to spare. The Express was due in 20 minutes. She could walk at a comfortable pace and still not be late. As she finished this thought, it began to drizzle. Shucks! She did not have an umbrella. Oh well…Good thing. It rains for all auspicious occasions; Rains are supposed to be a good indication. Her mother had told her something of the sort. Nice.

As she kept walking, thoughts began plaguing her mind. There was nothing else she could do, was there? She was tired of this life… this existence. No one had time. Everyone was busy. A few who had tried talking to her, listening to her never really 'got' her. And this from people she thought knew her well and understood her (better than herself). Others called her crazy. That’s when it hit her. She was alone… all alone. Like an island in a sea of people, was it?

As she was walking listlessly she heard the temple bells ringing and chants in the air. Has to be from the temple around the corner. Did the Gods know? What were they trying to tell her? Somehow she was reminded of her mother. She did not complete that thought, when her cellphone began to ring. Ma calling… it said. A coincidence? Did she feel it too? Her mother started ranting about the maid, the rising price of vegetables, family gossip… She played along, feigning cheer. Her mother sensed that all was not well. Anything wrong beta? Nothing Ma, it’s just the work. I feel tired… she lied. Love you too Ma, tell Pa too… That’s what she told her last, just before she cut the call. She didn’t even realize that tears had started streaming down her face. Maybe it’s a good thing that she didn’t have an umbrella… A dog came towards her, from the other side of the road. It briefly hung around her, following her a bit. Did it know? Could it sense?

As she neared the temple, she saw a few beggars right outside - extending their palms, asking for alms. But one woman did not. She did not beg for alms, nor did she approach her. She just sat there, by the wall, staring at her intensely. Could she see it in her eyes? She cut her gaze as soon as she could manage, and walked past the temple quickly.


She must be running late now. She checked her watch again. 10 minutes more. She was almost there. She started rummaging through her bag. Where is my ID? That’s all she needed now. She didn’t pay attention while crossing the road – she was too engrossed with her bag. A truck sped by. She tossed and turned, like a piece of vegetable.

Not the ending she had planned … but an ending nevertheless.

Thoughts

STOP IT! But it didn’t. It never did.


The harder she tried, the more persistent it became. It never was an easy thing to tame – the thoughts (or the mind, whichever you prefer). She never did realize when it became a part of her natural being – this excessive obsession of thinking… too much, too often. No good comes of it, they told her. She knew as much! And yet… and yet, she could not help herself - the incessant train of thoughts barging across her mind tracks, sparing nothing in its way. She was fed up of it herself… the habit of ruminating the cud of thoughts that kept re-surfacing in her mind whenever it was disturbed. If only her will could stop the chatter that always ran in her head, if only it would clear her mind and make it blank like a clean slate, if only it stopped scrutinizing details back and forth, if only she could press some switch and turn it off… she would find some peace of mind.

Alas! It did not stop… It never did. But she hoped it would... some day...