Little Things

Little things upset me. They do.

The funny part is - I’m not aware of the exact reason most of the times. It might be something I came across in passing. Something I happened to hear. Something I saw. Something I just happened to realize. It probably sets off “something”.

It starts off as this little nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Uneasiness. Something just doesn't “feel right” any more.

Anyhow, once this feeling creeps in, I am disturbed. My mental balance tilts (the wrong way). I become highly irritable (euphemism for cranky), as my mom would put it. In fact, she spotted one such pattern that I hadn't realized myself. I am cranky whenever I am leaving, or someone close to me is leaving. This was evident (to her) whenever Dad went back to Dubai after his leave; or when I had to leave for my studies (and now work).

I become snappy, defensive and argumentative (at the same time). There is a Malayalam saying - “angaadiyil thottal ammayodu”. Something like that.

The fact that I don’t know ‘why’ makes it difficult. Something akin to The Princess and the Pea story. Heck, I don’t know that the pea is there, so what can I do about it? (Of course, I am no Princess. Also, there ain’t no Prince in sight).

And then there are those few instances when I do know why. But then again, it’s mostly serendipitous. But waitaminnit....

Serendipity = happy accident or pleasant surprise; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful without looking for it.

That isn’t it. You know what? They should have a word for something similar BUT in the negative sense. An “unfortunate discovery” or “unpleasant accident”. They say that English lacks words to describe complex feelings accurately. For example, take weltschmerz (German, meaning - sorrow that one feels and accepts as one's necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism) or saudade (Portugese, meaning - deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one loves and which is apart). Something that requires elaboration - anywhere between a para to a page - in the English language. I stumbled across some such here. There is a word that means the opposite of serendipity - zemblanity = making unhappy, unlucky and expected discoveries occurring by design. But again, that doesn’t fit the bill. You see what I mean?

So...when I do know why, it’s difficult to ignore. It’s not like I went looking for it. So what do I do? I pretend...that I don’t know. Or, that I don’t care. Because, 7 out of 10 times I can reason out why it should not upset me (ideally, of course). But, knowing something and using that knowledge are entirely different things.

‘Fake it till you make it’, I heard in one of the AoL classes (one I had attended long back). Well, not that that is helping a lot. Or...perhaps in some ways, yes. If I pretend that I don't care...eventually I will start believing that I don't, indeed. 

‘What you resist persists’, they also said. So, maybe there is no pointing in me ignoring my instinctive reactions. Better to acknowledge it, and then let it pass. Do nothing about it. 

Or maybe the two just contradict each other. Bah!